New Energy Sources Discovered

A half mile from the downtown headquarters of Journal Sentinel Communications and plugged into various Intertube outlets, U.S. Department of Energy and industry partners have tapped what could potentially be a boon for energy production.

Two years ago, it can now be told, these partners kidnapped two lesser known conservative talk radio show hosts, Charlie Sykes and Jeff Wagner. They were first rendered unconscious. Then drills were inserted into their anuses in search of methane hydrate, which looks like ice but burns like a candle if a match or another heat source warms its molecules.  Large reserves were found.

There is little need now for methane, the main ingredient of natural gas. With the boom in production from hydraulic fracturing - otherwise known as fracking - the United States is awash in natural gas for the near future and is considering exporting it, but the DOE wanted to be ready with methane if there's a need.  "If you wait until you need it, and then you have 20 years of research to do, that's not a good plan," said a technology manager for methane hydrates within the DOE's National Energy Technology Laboratory.

Conservative talk show host methane comes from buried organic matter deep inside the colon. The gas migrates upward, under high pressure and low temperature, until it reaches the chests of the selected mouthbreathers and combines with frozen water surrounding their cold, cold hearts to form methane hydrate.

Unfortunately, there are consequences to mining. The shallower the talk show host the more the threat of release of potent greenhouse gas into the atmosphere, exacerbating climate warming (or not).  Another, safer method of extracting methane is by increasing temperature.

It was theorized that attaching tinfoil caps to the heads of talk show hosts, linking them with copper wiring and connecting them to banks of networked computers would provide enough heated rhetoric to melt the gas.  This was tried with Sykes and Wagner. They were also given a script containing talking points and faux outrage. Initial tests during simulated regular broadcast hours produced very little gas. The temperatures inside the body cavities did rise, but breaks for advertisements and breaking news caused a subsequent drop in temperature as the talk show hosts sipped water and shuffled paper as they waited for the next segment.

The Republican primaries provided an answer.

"We piped in heated rhetoric from Republican primaries directly into the tinfoil caps and watched as the conservative hosts' blood began to boil," a DOE specialist said. They began repeating the rhetoric without any fact-checking. The result was an amazing flush of methane through the anal exit - a process called f*cking - into waiting receptacles. Still, specialists and engineers knew they could do better.

The end of the presidential election was the final key, or as one engineer put it, "The handwringing, denial and vicious blame game over Mitt Romney's election defeat has provided us with an almost unlimited flow of heated rhetoric."

Plans are underway to kidnap Christian evangelical leaders and f*ck them. Other large sources of methane hydrate are also predicted to exist within Rush Limbaugh and Karl Rove. Unfortunately, it's been difficult to get anyone close to them as they are expertly shielded from reality.


Parody of article that appeared in Washington Post.